02 June, 2006

Tour Guide for Oilers Fans

Well, it seems that there are Oilers fans coming down here for Games 1 and 2 of the Cup Finals. Great--we love it when visitors come to the Triangle to enrich our tax base and see the place for themselves (rather than listening to the drooling knuckledraggers on XM or hockeybuzz.com)!

As a public service for our visitors from the Sovereign Republic of Alberta (they've got oil and they've got guns--don't fuck with 'em), we here at the Virtual 'Cue Shack have decided to offer ten simple tips to make a visit to the RBC Center a good one:

1) Calling us rednecks (especially stupid rednecks), telling us that we don't deserve a team, dropping ign'ant KKK and NASCAR smack, and other such garbage will not get you a very warm reception. No, not all Caniacs have an encyclopedic knowledge of hockey--and yes, some Caniacs are a little cerebrally-challenged--but quite a few of us DO know our sport quite well (and a good many play in one of the booming rec leagues in the Triangle) and are trying to help the n00bs in our fanbase come to know (and love) the Sport of the Gods like we do.

2) Yes, Sportsnet DID move back the start time of a Leafs game so that they could show a NASCAR race in Toronto. Sorry to disappoint you, mudcrutch79 (who tried to call me for a 5-minute bullshit major over at The Battle of Alberta), but it's teh tr00f. This means that none of you mooks have any right to drop the NASCAR smack on us--especially since 1) Raleigh hasn't had a NASCAR race since not long before I was born and 2) Fox Sports has never asked the NHL to move back a game so they can show a race. If you want NASCAR, please go 2 hours' southeastish to Charlotte.

3) I guarantee that as long as you're polite (see #1 above), you'll have no trouble with 99.99% of the Caniac Nation. There are always going to be a couple of bad apples in every barrel, but in general we're pretty cool with people who are cool with us.

4) Alcohol sales in North Carolina start at 7:00 AM and stop at 2:00 AM, Monday through Saturday. Sunday, sales don't start until noon. This is an old law that might not get repealed any time soon. Spiritous liquor (i.e. Wild Turkey, Black Death, Rumple Minze, and so on) is sold only at ABC stores, which are open from 9:00 AM to 9:00 PM Monday through Saturday and closed on Sunday. Again, this is an old law.

5) Please behave yourselves, and don't make me ashamed to have ever cheered for the Oilers at any point in my life (especially in the first round).

6) When you tailgate, it's considered polite to clean up after yourselves. If you need a trash bag, it's OK to ask nearby tailgaters for one.

7) You're generally welcome to join Caniacs' tailgates, as long as you're willing to endure a little good-natured jibing--it's wise to ask first before just barging in, because some folks are a little xenophobic thanks to the actions of certain asshats in a previous playoff round. Contributing beverages or food to a gathering that you join is considered polite. Engaging the Mighty Foot and denting a car hood, however, is not (and I guarantee that if you get arrested down here and are from Canada, no bail bondsman in this state will help you).

8) If you are coming down from Canada, PLEASE HAVE YOUR PASSPORT WITH YOU if you intend to buy alcohol--Canadian drivers' licenses aren't acceptable for alcohol sales in North Carolina.
8a) If the retaildroid says "I'm sorry, we don't serve Oilers fans here", relax--it's a joke. Trust me, I'm only kidding.
8b) We don't have Tim Horton's here (which makes me very sad), but we do have a lottery. If you want to get a Powerball ticket or two, feel free. The state's educational system will thank you.

9) If you're looking for a 'Canes message board to visit, letsgocanes.com (affectionately known as "Teh LGC") is a good place--but they are quicker on the banbutton than I am, so BEHAVE YOURSELVES.

10) Some of our fans may decide, after having a few brewskies, to get in your face and act like they were raised by dysenteric amoebae. If this happens, and you have done nothing to provoke it (see 1) above), please find one of the securebots in the blue blazers and talk to them. The ushers may not do anything to help you, but the folks in the blue blazers will. If you started the shit, then you're pretty much on your own.

Just remember these handy tips, and your visit here should be smooth as glass (regardless of the series outcome).

Work hard, rock hard, eat hard, sleep hard, grow big, wear glasses if you need 'em, and Go Canes.